Last weekend there was an all-Bette Davis day on one of the movie channels. I needed a quick cry, so I tuned in for the last few minutes of Dark Victory. Remember how, when Judith discovers death is imminent, she tells her friend, “I’m the luck one.”? She’s moving forward while everyone else is staying behind.
Isn’t that sometimes true of our friendships at midlife? Some of us stay where we are; others move forward – or away, or backwards, or simply out of reach. As we age, and our friends become no less dear, our relationships continue to change. Our needs change; our available time changes; our interests change. Still, friendships endure.
Some of my friends have retired; others are still working. Some have long-established careers; others are on their third – or fourth new adventure. The glue that holds these relationships together is different and perhaps stronger for different bonds.
Some of my friends of longest-standing have retired. Two of them have built very different lives for themselves. They have new circles of friends and new interests. Sometimes, visiting them is hard. As someone who will likely work at least another ten years, a part of me envies them their leisure. A part of me feels a bit competitive, too, as I pass briefly through the circle that now serves as the center of their lives. There are events and conversations and jokes that I’m not part of. Sometimes, it’s a joy to enjoy their happiness; sometimes it’s difficult to hear. It’s a bit like looking in through the window at a party I’m not invited to. I realize that my vision of being companions in our oldest old age is not likely to be true – these are the folks most likely to be in adjacent rockers.
Like The Girls from Ames, though, we have a lot of shared history. Is that enough? With some friends, it’s created a particular short-hand, a series of in jokes and many moments of ready (if occasionally rueful) laughter that make our time together fun and fun-loving as the girls we once were create yet another adventure. Sometimes it isn’t enough. A few friends don’t seem to want to remember that shared past. Their life is firmly rooted in the present moment, and old friendships that are tied to old wounds or hard times may be best left in the past. Sometimes it’s better to just love someone, pack away the old memories, and enjoy the occasional shared moment in the present.
It’s easier to maintain strong bonds with my working friends. We have more shared experiences in the present as well as a history. We’re sometimes geographically closer, so there’s the possibility of more face-to-face time. Some of these friends remember our struggles through our first jobs, all the frustrations and successes of a long work-life, and anticipate with us the possibilities of the future.
And the new friends! What a blessing they are as well! Â Together we re-define ourselves, we build our businesses, we have fun, relax, seek new adventures, support each other. Some have become old friends very quickly as we are bonded by mutual interest and struggles or as we discover intersections in our pasts. They remind me, that, in the end, Judith was not the lucky one. It’s those of us left behind who are lucky. We have so many new avenues to explore and so many new adventures ahead.
So, as we pay our respects and send our love and gratitude to the old, and if their path is not our path, we wish them joy and turn our attention to our own path. Who knows what’s beyond the next turn in the road?
Listen. Honor them all. Old Friends.
