Mapping Midlife

Lucy and Ethel; Rachel, Monica and Phoebe; Betty and Wilma. What do they all have in common? They were – are – lifelong friends. Somewhere out there almost any day you can find a rerun of these great friends supporting each other, sometimes annoying each other, but always there in the end. Over the course of our lives, our friendships with other women become increasingly important. Illness, divorce, the empty nest, our parents’ deaths, loss of a spouse or other significant relationships are inevitable as we age. “It is our friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of changes within us and around us,” says Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women’s Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group, 2001).

Unfortunately, for many of us, our friendships get put low on our list of priorities, robbing us of a significant buffer against sorrow and stress. Our need for a support network never changes. Research tells us that maintaining strong connections with others, whether family or friends, is highly correlated to longevity. Who is in your network? How often do you review your support system?

Here are a few questions and a simple model:

Basic Questions

1. How often do I communicate with this person?
2. What common interests do we share?
3. Is this relationship focused in the present or only in the past?
4. Is this person in my inner circle or farther out?

None of these questions automatically rule anyone out of your circle, but they may place constraints on the friendship that will become clear as you set up your support network.

Support Network

Your support network is your inner circle. This is a group of four to eight people you know you can count on. In a good network, you don’t count on the same person for everything. Try to think of two names to put in each of the four categories.

1. Cheerleaders
These people give you unconditional positive support for even your smallest achievement. You can count on them to break out the champagne – real or virtual – to celebrate every good thing in your life. Call on them when you need a boost to celebrate even the tiniest baby step.

2. Comforters
These people are naturally soothing. The will listen to endless renditions of your tale of woe and be as sympathetic on the 40th telling as on the first. They show up with tissues and chocolate. Nothing is ever your fault in their minds.

3. Clarifiers
When you’re ready to plan, these are the people you need. They will break every idea down into the tiniest steps, help you set goals, identify plans to overcome obstacles, and leave you with a great plan and several back-ups. They help you make your every dream crystal clear.

4. Confronters
These are the folks who keep you honest and on track. They hold you to your announced plan. And they won’t entertain any excuses. Need a good, solid boot firmly placed behind you? Call a confronter!

This is the inner circle. It can shift over time. You may be lucky enough to have at least two names in each category. Some of these friends may drift into the outer circle for a time; others may replace them. Review this list twice a year – and see who you serve in these ways

Everyone Else
Some of us prefer a large circle of friends; some a small cluster. It doesn’t matter. What special gifts does each of your friends bring? What do you bring to them? Take a moment to express gratitude for each of your friends. Cherish them all.