Mapping Midlife

Life Adventures

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Out of the Shadows

January 11th, 2010 · Choices, Self-image, change

In the shadows has been a safe place to be for a long, long time. I was in second grade. My reading group, the Cardinals (best group), stood up to read. I was immersed in the story and by now was several pages ahead of the group, so, of course, I was not on the right page. For this transgression of being a good reader and going too fast, I was banished to the Starlings (slowest group).

Lesson: it’s not good to be too smart or too fast or too different. It’s safer in the shadows where no one notices you. You won’t get punished there.

But living in the shadows has it’s price. There are secrets in the shadows, and a single ray of sunlight can expose them. You can spend your whole life covering things over and pushing things back and hoping that no one will discover who you really are. Because that would be scary. And nasty. And no one would love you any more. So you stretch your neck out every so often, and then pull it back quickly. You create opportunities and sabotage them. You don’t believe the good things people tell you because, after all, they don’t really know you. What if they knew? So, no one else punishes you. Instead, you punish yourself.

A few moths ago, I was invited to met a friend in Bucks County, where she was visiting her brother and sister-in-law. I hadn’t seen my friend in over a year and I missed her. I love her family, and knew I’d enjoy their company. I wasn’t going to go. I was feeling like a fraud and a failure. My business was comatose. No clients. Contracts falling through right and left. I was broke. My friend’s sister-in-law got on the phone and told me to go pack and get on the train. If I could manage the fare, they’d take care of everything else. And they did. And I wasn’t allowed to feel embarrassed. And I had a wonderful time. No one cared.

Lesson: You miss a lot in the shadows. It may be safe, but you won’t get rewarded there, and you’ll miss a lot of fun!

Where will you choose to live?

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Sick – I Hab a Code id by Head

January 8th, 2010 · Choices, Presence, Sanity

In English? I have a cold in my head.

I have a very peculiar and lingering head cold. My voice has been gone for more than a week, and it seems to have taken my hearing with it. My eyes are runny and I’m not seeing all that well.

It’s a bit like living in a cocoon. Everything is fuzzy and distant. The strange side effect of being sort of stuck in my head is that it’s getting me out of my head. When you feel like this, there’s not much left to do but to simply BE. No meetings, no writing, no listening to motivation, inspirational, or any other kind of tapes. Just being.

So, my tea and I are off to relax. It’s cold and snowy outside. I’ll be huddled up in a quilt taking very good care of myself. And, in the end, that’s a pretty good place to be.

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Three Questions

December 2nd, 2009 · Choices, Self-image, Values

Every so often – maybe even every day – it’s worthwhile to ask yourself questions. OK, I ask myself questions all the time, you’re probably saying. Some are small, everyday questions. What do I want for dinner? Will it rain? Some are larger. What’s my next career move? Am I happy?

What are the questions that matter? Some questions will serve as an internal guidance system. What am I feeling? What do I want in my life? How will I create that?

Some questions create structure. What are the boundaries that matter? How can I develop a work plan? How will I know when I’ve reached my goals?

At a recent conference, Suzy Welch, author of 10-10-10, shared three questions she asks herself on a regular basis:

1. What would make me cry from regret on my 70th birthday?
2. What do I want people to say about me when I’m not in the room?
3. What do I love or not love about my upbringing?

I love these questions. They help me explore my values. What are your answers?

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My Surroundings, My Life

September 18th, 2009 · Choices, midlife

Although geography isn’t a cure, surroundings can have a profound effect on us. They can be transformative. Watching these women and their dogs on the beach created an oasis of calm and joy in the middle of a conference.

What works for you? What surroundings will you need to support your life choices? I’ve been spending more time traveling this year and find that I’m increasingly drawn to quieter places than my New York City home. On the other hand, a friend exchanged her peaceful suburban life for mid-town Manhattan when she retired. While I find that, after 40+ years, I’d like a break from the hustle and bustle, she’s found all this activity energizing.

Autumn in the country makes me happy. Sunsets, fireflies, shooting stars, snowdrifts are all sources of inspiration. I’d rather listen to the birds in the morning than most concerts. Peace is becoming more of a priority for me.

What do you need? As I get ready to relocate for the next phase of my life, I’m making lists of what I want, what I need and what I can’t live with. And I’m testing out a variety of locations. Do you want to be in one place, or like me, will you want to be in multiple locations? Will you buy, rent, or visit? How much space do you need? Ciji Ware writes about Rightsizing Your Life.

These are questions to revisit every decade or so. You may always come to the same conclusions – or you may want different surroundings at different points in your life. Who – and what – will you want to be near? Family? Friends? Good medical care? Theater? Museums? Movies? Your answers may change. When they do, perhaps geography is a cure after all.

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The Magic of Friendship

September 14th, 2009 · Choices, friendships

Lucy and Ethel; Rachel, Monica and Phoebe; Betty and Wilma. What do they all have in common? They were – are – lifelong friends. Somewhere out there almost any day you can find a rerun of these great friends supporting each other, sometimes annoying each other, but always there in the end. Over the course of our lives, our friendships with other women become increasingly important. Illness, divorce, the empty nest, our parents’ deaths, loss of a spouse or other significant relationships are inevitable as we age. “It is our friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of changes within us and around us,” says Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women’s Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group, 2001).

Unfortunately, for many of us, our friendships get put low on our list of priorities, robbing us of a significant buffer against sorrow and stress. Our need for a support network never changes. Research tells us that maintaining strong connections with others, whether family or friends, is highly correlated to longevity. Who is in your network? How often do you review your support system?

Here are a few questions and a simple model:

Basic Questions

1. How often do I communicate with this person?
2. What common interests do we share?
3. Is this relationship focused in the present or only in the past?
4. Is this person in my inner circle or farther out?

None of these questions automatically rule anyone out of your circle, but they may place constraints on the friendship that will become clear as you set up your support network.

Support Network

Your support network is your inner circle. This is a group of four to eight people you know you can count on. In a good network, you don’t count on the same person for everything. Try to think of two names to put in each of the four categories.

1. Cheerleaders
These people give you unconditional positive support for even your smallest achievement. You can count on them to break out the champagne – real or virtual – to celebrate every good thing in your life. Call on them when you need a boost to celebrate even the tiniest baby step.

2. Comforters
These people are naturally soothing. The will listen to endless renditions of your tale of woe and be as sympathetic on the 40th telling as on the first. They show up with tissues and chocolate. Nothing is ever your fault in their minds.

3. Clarifiers
When you’re ready to plan, these are the people you need. They will break every idea down into the tiniest steps, help you set goals, identify plans to overcome obstacles, and leave you with a great plan and several back-ups. They help you make your every dream crystal clear.

4. Confronters
These are the folks who keep you honest and on track. They hold you to your announced plan. And they won’t entertain any excuses. Need a good, solid boot firmly placed behind you? Call a confronter!

This is the inner circle. It can shift over time. You may be lucky enough to have at least two names in each category. Some of these friends may drift into the outer circle for a time; others may replace them. Review this list twice a year – and see who you serve in these ways

Everyone Else
Some of us prefer a large circle of friends; some a small cluster. It doesn’t matter. What special gifts does each of your friends bring? What do you bring to them? Take a moment to express gratitude for each of your friends. Cherish them all.

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Rediscovering Resources

September 10th, 2009 · midlife

This is what I love about good ideas – if you didn’t quite get them the first time around, they often keep circling back. The same is true of great resources. If you’re like me, you have a long, long, long list of bookmarked sites on your computer – and you use about five of those links.

It’s Autumn – time for rummaging and rediscovering. Are you starting to pull out your fall/winter wardrobe? Are you finding a few wonderful surprises in the process? I didn’t even remember that I owned a couple of great dresses. Are you taking advantage of this great walking weather and rediscovering beautiful places you’d forgotten? I hadn’t remembered how peaceful it is to sit on a rock in Central Park.

Next time you want a quick adventure – maybe a rainy day, maybe just a little spare time – rediscover the resources in your own computer. Go to your bookmark bar and start rummaging.

I had forgotten some great sites. Some are funny, some are great recipe resources, some are beautifully written blogs. One that I can’t believe I had forgotten is the National Association of Baby Boomer Women and its sister site, BoomerWomenSpeak. NABBW has something for everyone – there’s even a section on male menopause. There’s advice, articles from members, book reviews, and all kinds of resources. Dotsie Bregel and her crew host teleclasses, send out a newsletter, and provide ways for women to connect.

Go visit!

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Oy Veh! It Hurts!

September 6th, 2009 · Choices, Self-image, change, midlife

Things hurt this morning. I decided that I really needed to do something good for myself and get out there and walk. And things hurt this morning. Many things. There’s a cramp in my left calf that keeps coming back and is tender in between cramps. My back is not happy. My left shoulder and arm turned against me weeks ago and they don’t seem interested in reversing the position that every wrong move of my arm and/or too much time at the computer shall equal pain. Yes, things hurt.

So, today I’ll get back out there and walk some more, on the theory that I can walk out this pain. Maybe I’ll just have more pain – who knows? All I know is that I’m not giving up. I want to feel better – and if feeling worse for a while is the way to get there, I guess I’ll just do it.

I know that in a few days I’ll see different (lower) numbers on the scale, the blood pressure meter and the blood sugar level – three sets of numbers that are getting to be common among us “upper midlife” folks. I’ll be able to measure these changes and rejoice in the results. I’ll be able to walk faster and farther. My clothes will fit better. I’ll be stronger.

For now, though – please pass the Advil!

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The Tortoise and the Hare

September 4th, 2009 · Choices

We all know a hare or two. Their businesses triple in size within a year. They lose 40 pounds in the blink of an eye. Their investments grow. They make the Best Seller list. Everything happens so quickly for them! And perhaps, in your all-too-human moments you, like me, have stood in awe of the hare. Perhaps even awe tinged with a bit of jealousy.

But not everyone moves at the speed of the hare. The tortoise is slow. The tortoise is deliberate. The tortoise will not be pushed or rushed or pressured. And, after all, Aesop tells us that the tortoise won the race.

Still somehow living in Academic Time (September is the real beginning of the year) I find myself reviewing my progress towards my goals in the Autumn. In the past, I have often found this process painful – I should be further along. I should have accomplished more. Perhaps I’m wasting time or not good enough to reach my goal, or one of the thousands of little demon messages I might think.

This year, I’m taking the long view. I’m looking back further and appreciating the significant growth and change that has occurred – not in three weeks, but in three years. And in taking the long view, it’s possible to see big changes that are not apparent in the extreme close-up that marks the hare’s perspective.

I am reminded that the tortoise lives hundreds of years. And that a turtle holds the world on its back. Perhaps slow and steady is, after all, my style. What view are you taking of your life? What pressures are you creating if you are, by nature, a tortoise but masquerade as a hare?

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Legacy Starts Now

August 30th, 2009 · Choices, Presence, Uncategorized

As I’ve watched the coverage of Senator Edward Kennedy’s death over the past few days, I’ve been thinking about legacy. And how it changes. And how it’s never too late to create a new legacy.

Teddy – he’ll always be that in the memories of those who are closer to his age – was the perpetual baby brother when we first met him. Not as handsome as Jack nor seemingly as intensely focused as Bobby, he seemed like an affable hanger-on.  It was hard to see him as being a major figure in US politics.

Ted – as a senator  -  Perhaps not yet a major player – overshadowed by his older brothers during their lifetimes.  He partied a bit too much. He drank too much. Some of us may have written him off altogether after Chappaquiddick. But still, he came to be seen as reliable. It was easy to see that he took his role seriously in the Senate. He fought for all the causes we hoped Jack and Bobby would have championed – human rights, equal opportunity, health care.

Senator Kennedy – “the Lion of the Senate” – 15,235 votes cast over 47 years. Now patriarch of the enormous and growing Kennedy clan, the face of the family at an endless stream of tragedies. His successes include the 1965 Immigration and Nationality Act, the COBRA Act and countless others. He stood in for his brothers at weddings and funerals and made sure that every one of the children and grandchildren knew his presence.

Wikipedia’s excellent article on Kennedy includes a quote from The Boston Globe : “It underscored the evolution that surprised so many people who knew the Kennedys: Teddy, the baby of the family, who had grown into a man who could sometimes be dissolute and reckless, had become the steady, indispensable patriarch, the one the family turned to in good times and bad.”

The turnout on the steps of Congress as the Senator’s remains headed for Arlington, where he would rejoin his brothers, the throng of family members paying tribute, the tributes from all segments o the political spectrum say it all. This is a man who continued to build his legacy until his last breath.

It’s never too late. How do you want to be remembered? Legacy starts now.



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What kind of trouble can you start today?

August 17th, 2009 · Choices, change

funny pictures of cats with captions

WOW must of taken you hours to do this… I almost feel guilty for what im going to do to it

kittehs awlwayz causing trubbel.

Picture by: dunno source. Caption by: Griffalot via Our LOL Builder from http://icanhascheezburger.com

Sometimes, we need to shake the world up a bit. Something truly incredible might emerge from the rubble – or maybe this kitty is in big trouble. Worth the chance?

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